Do you reckon I'm Southern?

Why do I think I'm Southern?

Well now that may take some ink. For starters I spell South and Southern with a capital ‘S’. Only ignorant yankees and self-loathing scalawag 'southerners’ fail to capitalize it.

I know what dog days are and what hog killing weather is. I know the difference in hoeing cotton and chopping cotton and have done a lot of both.When I was in grade school we always got out for a week for cotton pickin time (and we picked cotton).

I know that you don’t pick corn, you pull it and you can’t do it early in the morning because the dew soaked stalks won’t break very well. I know what a heap row is and why you make them. I know what a help row is too. I know what the “short rows” are (both kinds). I know the literal meaning of a “rough row to hoe”.

I know the difference in a shoat and gilt. I know the difference in a mule, a donkey and an ass (both 2 and 4 legged kinds) I know the difference in a bay horse, a sorrel, a mare a stud and a gelding. I know the difference in a pullet and a hen.

I know it’s bad luck to: bring a hoe in the house, rock an empty rocking chair, spin a chair on one leg, put a hat on the bed, step on a grave, open a pocket knife and let somebody else close it, cut bread with a knife, wash clothes on New Years day, work on Sunday, leave Christmas decorations up past New Years use the wood of a Dogwood tree, sell a dog or start anything on a Friday (except a garden). I know it’s good luck to pick up a penny if it’s on heads (but not tails) it’s good luck to put a bird’s nest in your Christmas tree and it’s good luck to nail a horse shoe over your door (but it must be turned up and not down or the luck will run out of it). I know if you eat peas and hog jowls on New Year’s day you’ll have plenty to eat the rest of the year. I know you need to eat polk salet in the spring to clean your blood. I know if a screech owl hangs around your place something or someone is about to die. I know it you kill a snake and hang it on a fence then it will rain (someday).

I know if the sky is red in the morning it will rain and if it’s red in the evening it will be clear. I know the difference in and the meaning of “flocks of sheep” and “mare’s tails” in the sky. I know if there’s a ring around the moon it will rain and the number of stars in the ring is the number of days till the rain. I know the Big Dipper points to the north star. I know if hornets build their nests close to the ground and the horses have thick coats it will be a bad winter. I know that the number of times it thunders in February will be the number to frosts in April. I know that you should plant your root crops on Valentines Day and the rest of your garden on Good Friday.

I know what horsemint, sparkleberry, yellow root, wild ginger and bloodroot are and what they are good for. I know pine top tea will help a cold.

I know the difference in white oak, post oak, black oak, water oak, willow oak, scarlet oak, northern red oak, Southern red oak, Cherrybark oak, bluejack oak, blackjack oak and mountain oak and which ones make the best firewood and which are easiest to split with an axe. I know what fat lightered is and where you can still find it. I know if I’ve got some of it I can start a fire even if it’s wet. I know what loblolly, shortleaf, spruce and slash pines are and where they grow best.

I know that a Blackgum twig makes a good toothbrush and sassafras roots make good tea if you dig them in the spring. I can tell the difference in a coon track and a possum track and the difference in a hen turkey track and a gobbler track. I know the difference in a ’strike bark’ and a bay. I know the difference in a red tick, a blue tick, a black and tan, a redbone and a walker hound. I know if you put a pinch of sulphur in your socks the ticks and red bugs will leave you alone (and so will everything and every body else) I know the crappie bite best when the dogwoods bloom. I know that if you spit on your bait the fish will bite better. I know if you leave the point of your hook showing the fish won’t bite.

I know why Dogwoods and Judas trees don’t grow very big. I know too that the Dogwood blooms have the blood of Christ on them. I know why the Chinquapin trees the Chestnut trees and the Cherokees are gone.

I know the difference in a thirty-thirty and a thirty- aught-six, high brass sixes and #71/2 field loads. I know you don’t aim a shotgun you just point it. I know that a single barrel, break action 10 gauge will knock you down and dare you to get up. I know it’s bad manners to bring a loaded gun in the house, not take your hat off inside and not tip your hat to a lady. If I have my britches on I have a pocket-knife on me. I know there are wildcats in the woods and haints and boogers in the dark. I know if you burn your woods you will have less ticks and snakes and more quail, deer and turkey.

I love all kinds of music just as long as it’s played on a fiddle, you can understand what the words are and they tell a good story. I love good stories without the music too just as long as they really happened or could have. I love well-seasoned collard greens and cornbread. I love spring water a lot and good white whiskey nearly as much.

I know that a fence around a graveyard is the most useless structure on earth. Ain’t no body in there can get out and ain’t no body outside that
wants in. I know when and where you can “fiddle” worms out of the ground and how to do it. I know what a chicken choker is and how to doodle them.

I know the difference in a yankee and a damnyankee. I say sir and mam and call ladies Miss even if they are 50 years old and drink, dip and cuss more than I do.

I know there are times when you need to cuss but most of the time you shouldn’t. I know the devil will get you if you ain’t washed in the blood (whatever your race, religion or politics is) I know that good folks go to heaven and mean folks go to hell (whatever their race, religion or politics is). I know you can’t buy your way into Heaven, I know I ain’t never seen an armoured car in a funeral procession. (I always pull to the side of the road, take my hat off and look for one when I meet a funeral procession too). I know what sitting up with the dead is and have done it. I know the only thing worse than getting old is not getting old. I know that the only difference in Southern Baptists and Southern Methodists is that the Southern Methodist will speak to you in the liquor store. I know what a Holy Roller is and what a hard shell Baptist is and what shape note singing is. I’ve taken Welch’s grape juice communion with the taste of home-made whiskey still in my mouth.
I have known some snake handlers and I don’t think they are weird but I do think they are mighty brave. I love my neighbour (regardless of his race, religion or politics) but I won’t trust any of them further than I can throw them.

I know there ain’t no blessing on earth greater than the love of a Southern woman. If you stole my wife I’d be mad at you for a while but I’d get over it. On the other hand if you kicked my dog or my kid I’d kill you. I know there ain’t no joy on earth better than babies especially if they are your own or your baby’s babies.

Finally,  I know who my people are and were and I know who I am and what I am and thank the Old Master for it (I know Him too). He said in The Book “they withered away because they had no root”. Guess He must have been talking about yankees.

Reckon I’m Southern?